so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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