so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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