i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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