he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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