I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize