i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
