smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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