So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
