i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize