your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
