Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
