i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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