I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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