everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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