Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize