considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Help me help you realize you are a moron
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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