OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
