Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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