i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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