When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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