my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
