I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
