We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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