Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
