I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize