Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
