I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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