Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He literally asked permission to hit on me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
