I wish I could punch you in the face.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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