Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
