I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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