My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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