my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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