3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
