Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
