That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
