it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
