I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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