Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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