MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
