The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
