If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
