I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
