you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
