is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize