So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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