We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
