this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
