dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
