I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
