He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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