i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
