We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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