So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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