i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
