we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
