I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
