this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
