I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
