I accidentally burped into my bong.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
