What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
